(no subject)

[zoetrope]

I went to meet divine_miss_j on the Southbank on Friday evening, and took the book I'm currently reading with me to keep me entertained.

I walked down the steps to the river and sat on a low stone balustrade, taking out my book. The cover was folded back on itself, as... and now I must admit the true shame of this entry... the book was a Regency Romance Novel. Yes, I'm slightly partial to them.

I'd got to a rather exciting bit in which the heroine of the piece - a strong-willed woman with a pert bottom (not my description) - had, that night, gone out dressed as a boy to meet a Bow Street Runner and been rescued from a pick-pocket with a big... knife by the hero who, later that evening, she will learn possesses an even bigger one, nudge-nudge etc. etc.

Anyway, I was sitting out there on a busy Friday evening, surrounded by people busking or walking hand-in-hand or heading home from work in sweaty suits, reading this regency-era sex scene. And it was so. fucking. hilarious that I just had to share a highlight with you here:

"He plunged downward, tearing her fragile barrier[...]

'You smell of juniper and moss and wildflowers. Your skin tastes as sweet as wild berries. Annica, my woodland sprite. Annica, of the evergreen eyes.'

'That is quite poetical, my lord.' She sighed, pleased with the comparison.

'Perhaps I have a poet's soul.'

She shivered. 'You are a warrior, Tristan - a hunter.'

'You've found me out, sprite. And now that the warrior has invaded this particular territory [...] what should he do next?'

'Conquer, my lord. If he can.'"

Can you imagine anyone in fandom trying to get away with writing sex-dialogue that badly? It amused me no end. It's the kind of thing you can't read without putting on fake breathy voices.

So, in the spirit of bad sex, some links to help us all improve...

(Let's assume that none of these are worksafe.)

Let's start with the master. Or mistress? In her own words: "This website is devoted to liberating masturbation, erotic sex education, and promoting sexual diversity."
Something the writer of the above romance novel might think about using: "This board has been created for readers, writers and general lovers of Erotica to join to discuss, query, post examples of their work for critique or friendly feedback".
Literotica.com. For when you need a story described as "The birth of a cocksucker." or "A team of rugger bugger studs get down and dirty." Now that's classy.
Email your partner an erotic fantasy about you both. For if you're not feeling that creative, a fill-in-the-blanks erotic story for you and that special someone!
Feel like educating yourself? This site taught me that there are actually people out there who find licking eyeballs a turn on. And I don't think I actually wanted to know that!
The Naked News. Men read the news and get naked... Er, does exactly what it says on the tin.
Send someone a virtual kiss.
If you're not subscribed to this magazine, what the hell is wrong with you? Real women, real sex, real opinions, just fucking great. Well I like it.
Tales of legendary ladies and groundbreaking gals. "Story telling site, filled with tales of raging demons, pioneering physicians, infamous pickpockets, fickle goddesses, heroic fighter pilots, inspirational artists, chariot riding warriors, pretenders to the throne, witches, writers, murderers, revolutionaries, spies... and all women; members of the so called "weaker" sex."
And six million more links just like these ones. And dirtier.

Enjoy.

Comments

[rossywar.livejournal.com]

You know, I actually read that in my head in fake breathy voices! lol.

[remote-control.livejournal.com]

'You've found me out, sprite.

SPRITE? Haha. That's brilliant...

[kijikun.livejournal.com]

Me and one of my friends love to go into half-price books and spent time giggling over the titles of Romanace novels--well giggling over the plot summaries we create just from the title.